I realize that it is probably sheer folly to write this post, but I'm choosing to do so anyway. I've been reading A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce the past few days, and really enjoying the experience. So much of what Joyce said back then seems salient for me in the modern era.
Of course, stream of consciousness is modeled after how one thinks, so it is logical that this kind of writing would really speak to a person. However, I believe the content of the story itself really echos something of the adolescent experience generally, and my experience specifically. Not that I had an alcoholic father who drank and squandered our family into ruin, nor did I have to cope with a subsequently poor diet or hygiene, but many of the actions, emotions, and thought processes were there.
I remember on occasions the same crippling pangs of guilt for sin (not that I had a lust for prostitutes). The same hysterical thoughts of repentance, continual penance and self-denial, and the same burning desire to change my ways so as to avoid an all but certain eternity of punishment. What if I died on the way to confession?! What if God chose to stop my heart right before the priest spoke the final words?!
I remember the utter mental and bodily illness I felt before confession; the vile repulsion with myself and the world. The equally strong elation after receiving absolution.
I was a maniac. The resolves I always made following confession encouraged and terrified me at the same time.
In my case, and in Dedalus's, religion succeeded in cultivating a dire sense of guilt and panic. This seems to be a very adolescent-style religious experience. An experience that almost without fail, tempers itself over time. It certainly did for the character and for myself.
However, I do have to wonder if it has truly been tempered, or merely changed shape. I've reflected on my current lifestyle here in Spain, and I've realized I have been pouring myself into a physical fitness routine among other habits, so as to fill some unseen void. I do yoga everyday, I run at least four times per week, and sometimes I do additional exercises as well. I continually read, cook low-cal, listen to music, and write. To what end? What fulfillment am I seeking?
I suppose I shall leave off where Joyce left off: on the move, in transition.
Read the book. It's free to download, or cheap to buy.
http://www.gutenberg.org/
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